Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
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if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me