Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
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Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮