Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
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i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
True
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*