Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
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If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
“A little help here, Danny?”
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.