Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
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I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
I think about this a lot
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.