Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
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Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.