Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
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[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
seems fine
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
The Punning Dead.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart