When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
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“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.