6. me as a lawyer
You Might Also Like
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
just left a huge legacy in there
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
hmmm
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad