Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
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The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.