The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
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no offense but it feels like the “cicadas that come out every 17 years” happen every single summer…
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat