Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
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[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.