WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
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Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
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Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals