I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
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Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.