Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
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When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?