°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
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I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.