My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
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If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
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My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
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My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
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My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.