How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
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PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
thanksgiving in nutshell
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Every time my phone rings
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
Alexa: *deep breath*