Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
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The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
every college guy’s fridge
time machine? you mean a clock?
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.