I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
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I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.