I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
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My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Not helping
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.