Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
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My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Um … Hot Wings please
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.