Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
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I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it