A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
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cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
one of
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?