Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
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Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you