I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
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CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
this is me
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
the noise i just made
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
when mom throws a party…
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice