Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
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If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Strange
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
Okay, I’m still confused…
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.