*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
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What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.