“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
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*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
PLOT TWIST:
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.