3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
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Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.