Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
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Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper