Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
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Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.