Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
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If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Art by Pastelkatto
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?