A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
You Might Also Like
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank