“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
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God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
When your parents check you’re ok.
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.