I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
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I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.