Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
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My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them