If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
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With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
There is wisdom there.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.