My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
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*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
#have a #great #PancakeDay
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU