Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
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this has to be peak English
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
eggs benadryl
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway