Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
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The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.