homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
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I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.