Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
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Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
look at me when i’m typing to you
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
😆this is so true
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British