i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
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Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!