I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
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No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.