ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
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8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Brother?
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan