To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
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I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
There should be a Mad Max movie that reveals the world outside Australia has actually remained pretty normal
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
こいつ天才
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.