I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
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Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?