Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
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13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
📽️movie date🎞️
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
I think I’ll stand
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.