*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
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Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
I say this a lot, but for someone who loves food as much as I do, you would think I would love going to the grocery store
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.